And yes, I know I ended the above with a preposition, and this sentence began with a conjunction, but we’re English teachers; we get to break the rules.
For some reason, lately I’ve been thinking about that old Mad magazine feature by Al Jaffee called, ” Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions.”
My favorite one was where there’s a guy smoking a cigarette under a no smoking sign, blithely asking, “Do you mind if I smoke?” The first snappy answer was, “Why, are you on fire?” Just thinking about that one still cracks me up. They are still running that feature more than 40 years later, and with good reason.
Today’s post pays homage to this venerated art form. Of course, you can’t be quite as biting and mean with 7th graders as you can be with smokers polluting your personal bubble. However, after hearing and answering the same questions time after time, one does tend to get a bit snappy.
“What if I don’t have a pencil?”
-Not my problem.
-There’s a pencil machine over there. (There really is.)
-You can rent one from the Popple Mafia for .25, or ask one of these nice people to lend you one. Not me.
“Can you make 11/12 exempt for vocabulary?”
-Then you woke up.
“My mom says I have to bring my grade up. Do you have any extra credit I could do?”
-Hahahahahahaha.
-Extra credit for you means extra work for me.
“Can we vote on _____?”
-This is not a democracy.
“Can we eat in here?”
-Have you EVER been allowed to eat in here?
“Why can you?”
-You go to school for 20 years, and get a real job, you can do what you want.
“Is the reading check open book?”
-Have we EVER had one that wasn’t?
“I don’t know.”
-Now we have.
“Can I move next to ______?” (for the 17th time)
-I need you where I can reach you.
“Do we hafta copy the warm up?”
-This is the 68th warm up we have done. My dog learns faster than that.
“You have a dog?”
When they ask, “Why do we have to…” I say, “Because I’m mean.”