geniebgOur schedule sort of time-shifted forward this year. We started earlier in August, partly because a portion of our latest raise after over a year without a contract was in exchange for a few extra “staff development” days at the front end (I could start a whole ‘nother blog about those babies), and partly because somebody thought we should end the year earlier in the spring. (I obviously ain’t been gone long enough to forget how to string together monster sentences.)  I think I’ve already blogged about my preference for the opposite schedule stylie, but it does mean that next week is the last week of school. Which actually feels pretty good right now. Except for the fact that I am, as I always am this time of year, reading research papers.

But I am getting ahead of myself.

In “honor” of my return to the blogosphere–can I just say I hate that word–I present unto thee:

Top 10 Reasons I Was Not Blogging for the Past However Many Weeks

10. I was wearing my shirt  inside out all the way through the end of 1st period. I don’t which is scarier:
a) That no faculty noticed during the morning meeting. Yes, I would’ve heard about it. Our staff rolls that way.*
b) That it took my first period homies until the very end of the period to notice. No, they don’t know from polite.

9. I was illin’… hard. Four days of 16 hours of nigh nigh. Plus dopiness after.

8. I was driving 100 miles to pick up, and many hours messing with, what my wife rather drolly refers to as my new “girlfren.” Get your minds out of the gutter; it’s just another pinball machine. Her-I mean its-name is Genie.
“Hello, my name is Mark, and I am a pinhead.” (That’s what we with the affliction are called. I am up to nine machines now. I picked this one up on Mothers’ Day. It was also the boy’s birthday. I got it bad.)

7. I was reverse-engineering an elven battle axe from a ThinkGeek/Hobbit/LotR model. I then had to build seven of them out of cardboard, duct tape, foam, and pvc. Then I was tasked with devising some sort of targets in the form of  orcs* or their heads or both. I then had to test throw said axes to see if the target orcs could be hit reliably and not destroy the axes in the process. Meanwhile the wife was figuring out how to turn one of those massive Costco chocolate cakes into a hobbit hole.* Oh yes, and then there were the pipes. And the beards.  Needless to say this was the boy’s Lord of the–sorry! HOBBIT-themed* birthday party. The best part was the parent pick-up afters: “Did he remember to grab his pipe and his beard?” Oh the looks! No stinkin’ “goodie bags” at our house. We be giving out smoking accessories.* Because, you know, that’s how hobbits roll.

6. I have, like you know, a life.

5. I was trying to clean my classroom for Open House. I had the sla- student aide working on it, but if you’ve seen the pics, you know that even in the best of times, it’s pretty hopeless. Nobody ever notices. The dads just lust over my KISS and Ramones and DEVO posters (or crack up at my MacSE from 1985-86 or my turntables and old reel-to-reel tape deck), while the moms try to work me about grades.

OK. By the time I put in the * explanations, it’s going to be time for Modern Family, so I will give you the last five tomorrow.

*We used to have a staff member (she retired but still subs) who had been married five times. Any time there was a comment at a faculty meeting about how many times we’d done something, someone would always say, “Sort of like ‘Leah’!”

*The boy is a Middle Earth nerd. He gets all up in my grille if I mix up the races. Species? What?

*With the help of the Dollar Store, she completely rocked it. In about nine minutes. Pics soon.

*See above: It’s the same with LotR and Hobbit. AlsopPics to follow here too.

*They either blew bubbles or stuffed spearmint leaves in them.